Men and women have been culturally conditioned in ways that do not lead to a healthy and mutually fulfilling intimate relationship.

While doing some research recently, I stumbled upon some fascinating insights about men's social conditioning regarding intimate relationships.

With the advent of Viagra-type products, there has been a decrease in the focus on the contextual factors of sexual relationships when problems arise. The emphasis tends to be on the sexual functioning of body parts while ignoring the relational aspects of sexuality.

I also see this in the way men tackle sexual problems in their marriages. They tend to focus on sexual technique or their wife's hormones rather than on their relationship with their spouse.

The trend to reduce problems to a medical diagnosis of body parts feeds into the cultural phenomenon of boys and men being socialized to disconnect from their emotions. This limits their capacity for intimate communication and connection, which play an integral role in their wife's sexual arousal.

Emotional and relational intelligence, the ability to identify and communicate one's emotions, is a vital skill in the success of any marriage.

Nonrelational sexuality

The common social conditioning for young men is a limited expression of caring and connecting emotions, creating significant deficits in their development of emotional empathy. This is reinforced in the media by regular portrayals of women being objectified. Men also come to associate sex with the feeling of lust without any requirements for an effective or healthy relationship with the woman and her unique needs.

This "nonrelational sexuality" not only objectifies women but teaches men to view women as mere instruments in meeting their sexual needs. Unfortunately, some women also buy into this distorted perspective, allowing themselves to be used sexually and associating their worth with their sexuality.

The centerfold syndrome

This cultural phenomenon has been identified as "The Centerfold Syndrome." It is understood as a dysfunctional assortment of attitudes and behaviors representing a pervasive distortion in the way men are taught to relate to women and sexuality.

Five problematic components of the centerfold syndrome include:

1. Voyeurism -- an obsession with visual stimulation that trivializes all other features of a healthy relationship
2. Objectification of women -- an obsessive focus on body parts and the rating of women by size and shape
3. Sex for validation of masculinity -- having one's manliness and self-worth tied up in one's sexual prowess
4. Trophyism -- treating women as collectibles and property
5. Fear of intimacy -- an inability to get beyond air-brushed sexualized images of women in order to have a real relationship

Counteracting the centerfold syndrome

It is easy to see how such cultural conditioning, fueled by the prevalence of pornography, can have seriously detrimental effects on intimate relationships. Pornography and other media messages condition men to have distorted and unrealistic views of sexuality and intimacy, wreaking havoc in the very real relationship of marriage.

Fortunately as men become aware of this conditioning and are able to identify its influence in their own lives, they can then begin to counteract the distortions with a corrected and empathetic understanding of women and greater understanding of the divine designs of sexuality as a relational experience.

One therapist shared how he uses my book "And They Were Not Ashamed -- Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment" as required reading for the men in his therapy groups to help them restore emotional empathy for women and their sexual perspectives. He said the book also has helped men develop a better understanding of the divine designs of sexuality in marriage.

Sexual issues in marriage must be seen in this broader context of the interpersonal nature of sex rather than as simply being about needing a pill. While Viagra may assist with physical issues it will do little for the relational element of lovemaking if there is an absence of emotional connection.

As men enhance their capacity for sensuality beyond their sexual senses, and develop greater emotional intelligence, they will be more capable of communicating and connecting intimately and enjoying the complementary physical and emotional bliss lovemaking can afford.