In part 2 of "Affair-Proofing Your Marriage" we discussed: acknowledging and discussing attractions to others with your spouse; avoiding secrecy in your marriage; working to meet each other's needs; developing a satisfying sex life in your marriage; and dealing with personal insecurities and issues from your past.

In this final segment we will conclude with a discussion of the following four ways to affair-proof your marriage, plus review the full list of all 12 marriage-protecting suggestions.

1. Setting mental boundaries
2. Avoiding personal relationships with others of the opposite sex
3. Building friendships with persons of the same gender
4. Building a personal protective relationship with God
   

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Four Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

1. Set mental boundaries.

An affair doesn't begin in a bedroom. It begins in the recesses of the mind. As you preventively set a mental filter to reject any sexual thoughts or inappropriate imaginings of anyone other than your spouse, you safeguard your marriage from the destruction that will accompany infidelity.

Do not even entertain thoughts that put you with anyone but your spouse. If you are really trying to be accountable to God then he'll let you know when you are in dangerous territory.

I remember once having a passing thought about someone that was probably inappropriate. I had an immediate flash feeling that God was aware. I felt like I heard the words, "Laura, come on, you know better than that." I was duly chastised and immediately vowed to be more diligent with my thoughts.

If we pay attention to our conscience it will let us know when we are wandering into dangerous territory. But if we ignore it, we will lose the ability to hear it and heed it.


2. Avoid personal relationships with others of the opposite sex.

Having vulnerability plus opportunity can lead to affairs. Cut out any chance for inappropriate intimacies to occur. This would include avoiding personal relationships on the Internet, and maintaining professional boundaries with friends or co-workers.

Affairs don't just happen out of the blue. A lot of small choices have to be made before an affair can actually occur, such as responding to an e-mail, having lunch together, text messaging, etc. Stay away from anything that could give infidelity a chance. Prevention is much better than repair.

There was a time in our marriage when I struggled with postpartum depression. I'm sure my husband's needs weren't being met very well during that time. I asked him what he would recommend if a husband felt some attraction during a difficult time in his marriage. He said that's when you make sure you aren't doing things that would create an opportunity.

If you're vulnerable, make sure you don't have opportunity, and if you have opportunity make sure you're not vulnerable.

3. Build friendships with persons of the same gender.

Good friends can be a great resource for helping you to avoid doing something stupid that you'll soon regret. But these relationships need to be more than just superficial in order to be effective. Good friends can also meet some of our needs for companionship and emotional connection.

4. Build a personal protective relationship with God.

Having a commitment to something greater than yourself, or even your spouse, is a significant protective factor in marriage. Having a marriage where you are both accountable to God makes it easier to make good choices even when your needs aren't being met. God can always make up the difference.

This is where beliefs plus behaviors must be in alignment. A desire to do what's right coupled with actions to avoid opportunities and vulnerabilities is how you keep behaviors in line with beliefs.


Affairs are a counterfeit

Without the fullness of marriage, an affair is nothing but an incomplete counterfeit of the real thing. Marriage can never compete with the fantasy world of infidelity. In marriage you have to deal with the full package of life, whereas an affair allows temporary access to an illusion.

It reminds me of a movie where the husband was having an affair with a woman that he perceived to be "all that." It wasn't until he had lost his wife that he realized all her good qualities that he missed. He also began to see all the negative characteristics of the "other woman."

I'm a huge fan of marriage and all it's exciting possibilities. We must protect our precious marriages from the vulnerabilities and opportunities that Satan will use to ensnare us. You can avoid being a casualty in Satan's snare of infidelity.

The following is a review of the safeguards discussed in this three-part series to affair proof your marriage:

1. Be introspective. Develop greater self-awareness
2. Avoid selfishness
3. Communicate openly in marriage about anything
4. Acknowledge and discuss attractions to others with your spouse
5. Avoid secrecy
6. Work to meet each other's needs
7. Develop a satisfying sex life in your marriage
8. Deal with personal insecurities and issues from your past
9. Set mental boundaries
10. Avoid personal relationships with others of the opposite sex
11. Build friendships with persons of the same gender
12. Build a personal protective relationship with God

Your marriage protection homework

I challenge each of us to choose just one thing we can do to build up our marriage. Some of the specific suggestions you could consider in affair proofing your marriage include:

• Sharing with each other a list of the top 10 things that make you feel loved and cherished.
  
  
• Training yourself to think more about your spouse's needs and welfare than your own.
  
  
• Regularly sharing thoughts and feelings with each other in an open and honest way.
  
  
• Looking at and thinking about your spouse more admiringly.
  
  
• Finding ways to add more fun and playfulness into your relationship.
  
  
• Working on improving your sexual relationship, so that both of you enjoy the passion available there.
  
  
• Thinking about past hurts you may have, and ways you can share your insecurities and vulnerabilities with your spouse. This could be done with the help of a counselor or through journal therapy.
  
  
• Maintaining a constant self-improvement focus in your life.
  
  
• Avoiding relationships with people of the opposite sex.
  
  
• Building friendships with members of the same gender.
  
  
• Disciplining your mind to reject any inappropriate thoughts.
  
  
• Deliberately improving your spiritual connection to God.

Marriage is worth our best efforts. God bless us all to safeguard our marriages from sin, and create the joy and fulfillment that this sacred relationship affords.