Home
News & People
Mormon Voices
Arts & Entertainment
Around The Church
Studies & Doctrine
Mormon Living
Affair-proofing your marriage, part 2
In part 1 of "Affair Proofing Your Marriage" we discussed the following issues: being introspective, and developing greater self-awareness; avoiding selfishness; and communicating openly in marriage about anything.
In this segment we will continue our discussion of affair proofing your marriage by addressing the following areas:
Five ways to affair proof your marriage
1. Acknowledge and discuss attractions to others with your spouse.
It's important for both husband and wife to know that attractions are pretty normal and fairly likely to happen. Period.
As I've previously mentioned, you might not want to start "opening up" to your spouse by mentioning that you are attracted to someone at work or church. You might begin by seeking to learn more about the inner experience of your spouse by sharing your personal thoughts and feelings.
It's important to think about how your spouse might receive such information about being attracted to someone else, and what you can do to soften the pain that may occur. As difficult as such disclosures may be they are a lot better than disclosures that will inevitably occur should an affair happen.
How might you go about discussing attractions with your spouse? You might mention reading this article and the suggestion to share your vulnerabilities and potential attractions. You could either ask them if they've ever felt attracted to anyone else, or you could share an occurrence that you have had.
One woman told me she had a friend that her husband was working with in a church assignment. She wondered if there could be a possibility of some feelings there. So, one day she teasingly said to her husband, "Now if you ever start having feelings for so and so, I hope you'll let me know…" then she paused before adding with a smile, "so I can beat her up!" They both laughed. She said that really set the stage for them to be able to discuss such things without it being too intense.
Remember that attractions are pretty natural, and may occur, but that doesn't mean you are headed for an affair. It's what you do about it that matters.
2. Avoid secrecy in your marriage.
Secrecy is to infidelity what sunlight and water are to plants. Secrecy breeds and empowers infidelity. This is why it is so important to be able to share your attractions or temptations with your spouse. Obviously, this takes a healthy level of intimacy to share such information, but that is also what helps to affair-proof your marriage.
My husband and I were talking about this some time ago, when he asked if I had ever felt attracted to anyone. It was a little weird to consciously think about it and to share a time or two when there may have been some attraction. But somehow in the process of having the discussion any energy associated with it was gone.
The light really has power over the darkness. I could certainly see how such discussions could have a protective factor, and help couples avoid inappropriate intimacies.
3. Work to meet each other's needs.
Marriage is about meeting each other's needs as best we can. No spouse is perfect, nor will they ever be able to meet all of our needs. But we must be aware of what makes each other feel loved, and strive to do those things regularly.
Your homework here is for each of you to make a list of the top 10 things that make you feel loved and cherished, and work on doing those things for each other every day.
Some of the important needs we have in a marital relationship are respect, admiration, and fun! We can learn to look at each other more lovingly and longingly by consciously focusing on the good things about our spouse, and communicating that with our eyes.
It's necessary to make time for some fun and playfulness as well. Regularly scheduled date nights are a great way to do this.
Certainly it's important to strive to meet each other's needs, but we don't have to be "super-human need-meeters" in order for our spouse to not have an affair. It's never correct to assume it's the other spouse's fault. We are all ultimately responsible for our own actions.
4. Develop a satisfying sex life in your marriage.
Meeting each other's intimate needs isn't an area of marriage that can be ignored, nor should it be an automatic excuse for having an affair.
It reminds me of the wife who felt like they had a great marriage except for the sex. She wished she could just get rid of that aspect of marriage or make it "go away." But you can't just ignore one dimension of marriage that you may not like.
Basic steps for improving the sexual relationship in marriage include: (1) making the intimate relationship a higher priority; (2) getting better educated about sex, intimacy and marriage; (3) openly and honestly discussing your sexual relationship; (4) overcoming inhibitors, such as negative thoughts, fears, or relationship issues; and (5) relaxing, having fun, and being playful with each other.
5. Deal with personal insecurities and issues from your past.
This issue goes along with the notion of being more self-aware and introspective. We all have issues. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We all have unmet needs that we bring into marriage from our past that can also make us vulnerable to temptations and other outside influences.
Anne Bercht, current director of the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN), believed that if someone had asked her about issues from her past, and what personal insecurities she had that might be affecting her and her relationships, that may have been enough for her to wake up to the potential dangers that existed in her marriage.
Looking back from an affair, another woman could see that the need for affirmation and validation became a hole in her heart that produced a susceptibility toward succumbing to temptation. She was 15 years old before ever hearing a compliment from her father, creating a hunger for male attention.
Working on our personal stuff and becoming more whole as an individual is time well spent to safeguard our marriages. We can all benefit from an in-depth, ongoing effort at personal growth to continually root out our imperfections and strengthen our weaknesses.
The work of affair proofing your marriage may not be easy, but it is certainly worth it!
Stay tuned for Part 3 of "Affair Proofing Your Marriage" for more important safeguards to protect your marriage from infidelity while strengthening it at the same time.
In this segment we will continue our discussion of affair proofing your marriage by addressing the following areas:
- Acknowledging and discussing attractions to others with your spouse
- Avoiding secrecy in your marriage
- Working to meet each other's needs
- Developing a satisfying sex life in your marriage
- Dealing with personal insecurities and issues from your past
Five ways to affair proof your marriage
1. Acknowledge and discuss attractions to others with your spouse.
It's important for both husband and wife to know that attractions are pretty normal and fairly likely to happen. Period.
As I've previously mentioned, you might not want to start "opening up" to your spouse by mentioning that you are attracted to someone at work or church. You might begin by seeking to learn more about the inner experience of your spouse by sharing your personal thoughts and feelings.
It's important to think about how your spouse might receive such information about being attracted to someone else, and what you can do to soften the pain that may occur. As difficult as such disclosures may be they are a lot better than disclosures that will inevitably occur should an affair happen.
How might you go about discussing attractions with your spouse? You might mention reading this article and the suggestion to share your vulnerabilities and potential attractions. You could either ask them if they've ever felt attracted to anyone else, or you could share an occurrence that you have had.
One woman told me she had a friend that her husband was working with in a church assignment. She wondered if there could be a possibility of some feelings there. So, one day she teasingly said to her husband, "Now if you ever start having feelings for so and so, I hope you'll let me know…" then she paused before adding with a smile, "so I can beat her up!" They both laughed. She said that really set the stage for them to be able to discuss such things without it being too intense.
Remember that attractions are pretty natural, and may occur, but that doesn't mean you are headed for an affair. It's what you do about it that matters.
2. Avoid secrecy in your marriage.
Secrecy is to infidelity what sunlight and water are to plants. Secrecy breeds and empowers infidelity. This is why it is so important to be able to share your attractions or temptations with your spouse. Obviously, this takes a healthy level of intimacy to share such information, but that is also what helps to affair-proof your marriage.
My husband and I were talking about this some time ago, when he asked if I had ever felt attracted to anyone. It was a little weird to consciously think about it and to share a time or two when there may have been some attraction. But somehow in the process of having the discussion any energy associated with it was gone.
The light really has power over the darkness. I could certainly see how such discussions could have a protective factor, and help couples avoid inappropriate intimacies.
3. Work to meet each other's needs.
Marriage is about meeting each other's needs as best we can. No spouse is perfect, nor will they ever be able to meet all of our needs. But we must be aware of what makes each other feel loved, and strive to do those things regularly.
Your homework here is for each of you to make a list of the top 10 things that make you feel loved and cherished, and work on doing those things for each other every day.
Some of the important needs we have in a marital relationship are respect, admiration, and fun! We can learn to look at each other more lovingly and longingly by consciously focusing on the good things about our spouse, and communicating that with our eyes.
It's necessary to make time for some fun and playfulness as well. Regularly scheduled date nights are a great way to do this.
Certainly it's important to strive to meet each other's needs, but we don't have to be "super-human need-meeters" in order for our spouse to not have an affair. It's never correct to assume it's the other spouse's fault. We are all ultimately responsible for our own actions.
4. Develop a satisfying sex life in your marriage.
Meeting each other's intimate needs isn't an area of marriage that can be ignored, nor should it be an automatic excuse for having an affair.
It reminds me of the wife who felt like they had a great marriage except for the sex. She wished she could just get rid of that aspect of marriage or make it "go away." But you can't just ignore one dimension of marriage that you may not like.
Basic steps for improving the sexual relationship in marriage include: (1) making the intimate relationship a higher priority; (2) getting better educated about sex, intimacy and marriage; (3) openly and honestly discussing your sexual relationship; (4) overcoming inhibitors, such as negative thoughts, fears, or relationship issues; and (5) relaxing, having fun, and being playful with each other.
5. Deal with personal insecurities and issues from your past.
This issue goes along with the notion of being more self-aware and introspective. We all have issues. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We all have unmet needs that we bring into marriage from our past that can also make us vulnerable to temptations and other outside influences.
Anne Bercht, current director of the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN), believed that if someone had asked her about issues from her past, and what personal insecurities she had that might be affecting her and her relationships, that may have been enough for her to wake up to the potential dangers that existed in her marriage.
Looking back from an affair, another woman could see that the need for affirmation and validation became a hole in her heart that produced a susceptibility toward succumbing to temptation. She was 15 years old before ever hearing a compliment from her father, creating a hunger for male attention.
Working on our personal stuff and becoming more whole as an individual is time well spent to safeguard our marriages. We can all benefit from an in-depth, ongoing effort at personal growth to continually root out our imperfections and strengthen our weaknesses.
The work of affair proofing your marriage may not be easy, but it is certainly worth it!
Stay tuned for Part 3 of "Affair Proofing Your Marriage" for more important safeguards to protect your marriage from infidelity while strengthening it at the same time.
NEW TODAY
MOST POPULAR
YESTERDAY